Rebuilding Me
by Isis FG
Summary: B/A fic - 'post-Chosen' - 3rd in the 'Finding Tomorrow' Series...where DID Buffy go from there? *COMPLETE*


Title: Rebuilding Me  
  
Author: Isis Blue  
  
Started: May 24, 2003  
  
Completed: May 24, 2003  
  
Feedback: Yes please, I'm a feedback junkie: vagabond_angel@comcast.net  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, all the people at ME, Fox, UPN, etc who awed and tortured us for seven years own 'em  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Pairing: B/A sorta.but mostly this just about Buffy  
  
Summary: The obligatory post-Chosen fic.but doesn't follow immediately follow the episode  
  
Spoilers: the end of BTVS s7, so don't read this if you haven't seen the finale and don't want to know what happens!  
  
Distribution: my site (Vagabond Soul), ff.net, BA_Fluff list, and LoD; & Starrkitty's Archive if they wants it, anyone else, just ask first.  
  
Author's Notes: So I'm joining in on the parade of post-Chosen fics. Call me a lemming. This is a bit on the bleak side though.sorta. I wrote it in Buffy's POV.the first time I've done a 1st person POV fic and focuses more on Buffy than on B/A, but they are mentioned. There will be a sequel that is entirely B/A though and more positive.  
  
AN2: Lyrics are from 'Weight Of The World' by Saliva off their album 'Back Into Your System'.  
  
AN3: Not beta'd  
  
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//Love to be beside you  
The way you smell  
The way your lips feel  
And your fingernails//  
  
Somehow, I thought it'd look different. That time would have eased its harsh roughness. But it looks just as it did the last time I was here. They haven't attempted to rebuild. I think the evil vibe has scared everyone away permanently. Who would want to live in a town that had once been swallowed whole?  
  
I haven't been back here since that day. Since everything came crashing down. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Standing there behind the bus, staring out over the place I called home for seven long years. It was all gone, sucked into the mouth of hell along with fallen friends and lovers.  
  
//The way you fingers  
crawl up my spine  
The way you always make me  
last in line//  
  
We stood there staring for so long, unsure what to do next. There wasn't anywhere to go really. Our homes, our possessions, our reality was gone. Wiped from the face of the earth as if they never existed.  
  
It would have been easy to say 'good riddance' to the place that had been the sight of so many horrors. But I couldn't just forget. There were too many good memories as well. Nights at the Bronze with the gang. Movie nights with Mom and Dawn. Research parties.well those weren't always fun. And Angel. My Angel.  
  
//I carry the weight of the world  
as the past is unfurled  
But I won't stop to wonder//  
  
The make-out sessions in one of the many cemeteries. The countless times he climbed through my window. His old apartment where I gave myself completely to him. The nights spent just holding each other at the mansion. How could I wish those memories away? Sometimes they were all that kept me going.  
  
No, I won't ever forget the life I had in Sunnydale. It's been two years since this was last my home, since that fateful battle. Sometimes it seems longer than that, sometimes it seems like it was only hours ago. The nightmares of that battle haunted me for months afterwards no matter how far I traveled from here, from home.  
  
//Going through this life on my own  
made me as cold as stone  
I'm a ship going under//  
  
I don't have a home anymore. After the battle, we all piled back onto the bus, trying to figure out what to do next. Those that survived without serious injury seemed giddy at the victory, at the power, at the success. The wounded bore forced smiles, attempting to join the others in their happiness, but succumbing to their pain. And me? I only felt numb.  
  
The rush of victory of had been sweet, at first. But then the numbness settled in. Where was I supposed to go from there? I had nothing, only the tattered and bloody clothes on my back. I didn't even feel like I really had my friends. There betrayal still tore at my heart. So really, I had nothing. I wasn't even sure if I had me, whoever that was.  
  
//And I'd tell you this  
But I don't know how  
I'm caving in  
and I'm falling out//  
  
Somehow, we ended up in Los Angeles, parked in front of an old, looming hotel. I guess Giles had decided to drive there. I watched as everyone piled out of the bus and into the Hyperion. I couldn't seem to move, so I just sat there, staring out at the fading light of day.  
  
They left me alone, but I knew he wouldn't. And I was right. The moment the sun set he climbed onto the bus and sat down next to me. For an hour he just sat there before asking me to come inside. He told me that I could stay as long as I wanted, that I would always have a home there.  
  
//and I can't resist  
And I can't rebound  
with the weight of the world  
as the world falls down//  
  
I thanked him for the offer, but told him that I needed to leave, that I needed to go, anywhere, somewhere. That I needed to find myself. He smiled sadly at me and told me he understood, that he knew what it was like to feel lost. I knew he spoke the truth. His soul had once been more lost than mine.  
  
So he kissed my forehead and told me that I had a home to come back to whenever I was ready. And that he would be there when I returned. He said he would tell the others that I had left and why, and not to worry about me even though they would anyway. I thanked him and watched as he left. As much as I wanted to take comfort in his arms, I knew that it wasn't yet our time.  
  
//It's the way you thrill me  
Then pull away  
The way you seem to kill me  
a little more each day//  
  
I sat there for another hour, pondering my choices before I noticed a bag sitting at my feet that hadn't been there before. Angel. A smile involuntarily graced my face. He always was a sly one. Picking up the bag, I opened it, finding clothes inside as well as a nice sum of cash, a credit card, and a cell phone. He must have known what I needed to do.  
  
I walked away that night, off to parts unknown. I didn't know if it was the right thing to do, or if it would make a difference. It was just something I needed to do. I needed to find myself, find out who Buffy Summers was. The last few years had seemed to have wiped away any semblance of the girl I used to be. If someone had asked my favorite movie or what my hobbies were, I wouldn't have had an answer for them. The only thing I could tell them was that I was the Slayer, the Chosen One.  
  
//And it's what you're thinking  
in your twisted mind  
The way your body trembles  
when it's next to mine//  
  
But I wasn't just 'the one' anymore. It was no longer just me. It was a relief but it also seemed to strip away the one part of my identity I was sure of. I had no idea who I was if I wasn't predominantly the Slayer. That's what I left to find out.  
  
For two years I traveled the world, tasting bits of life that I'd never before had a chance to. I experienced as much as possible. Found things I loved and things I hated. It was thrilling and scary all at once. Each day I rebuilt a little more of the girl inside me. Each new experience completed a piece of the puzzle of who I am that would never truly be completed until my final death, if even then.  
  
//This pain I think about it everyday  
It tells me  
I'm never gonna get away  
I know  
it's over//  
  
And now, I am back home, or to at least what used to be my home. Two years to the day of when I was last here. It seemed appropriate. And I was ready. Ready to find my place in life, to return to my friends and the people that I love. I don't know what the future holds for me, but for the first time since my life as a Slayer began, I feel like I will actually have one.  
  
//But I can't escape memories  
and how to face another day.//  
  
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THE END...feedback appreciated! 


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